You can convey respect for her while also making requests that she not undermine what you are doing as a parent. Am I understanding correctly that you are plugged in to the NVC (nonviolent communication) community? If not, it sounds like it would be very congruent for you. It's based on the Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I don't know if I've got it right, but it sounds like you both have a need to be heard and understood, and also you both have a need to contribute to your daughters' well-being. Your needs are the same, and that's what you can respect and honor. The strategies are different, and they have different results. You can honor her need to be useful and communication the way you'd like for her to help, while also communicating kindly about what is not helpful.